The years between going on holiday with my family (parents and brother) and going with Tracy my anxiety unfortunately got increasing worse.
Me and Tracy went on holiday twice to Majorca for two weeks and that’s mainly when it really kicked in and because of those bad experiences with going aboard, stress and anxiety has left it’s mark on me.
Me and Tracy haven’t been abroad in many years and because of those experiences even though I’d love to go and would enjoy it I’m not overly bothered about it myself but I want to do it for Tracy and Sophia.
It’s just such a long travel time from leaving our home till arriving at the hotel or villa.
And my anxiety and stress is around most parts of the journey but in their own way.
– It starts around a week before we even travel when the worry and anxious thoughts fill my head so I can sleep or focus and each day it gets worse up to the travel day.
– In the past the day before we travel I feel sick, headache, can’t concentrate or sleep.
– The day of travel I’m just as focused as I can be on trying to control my stress and anxiety (this can work against me by giving me a headache from tensing too much, so it’s like I can’t win). Not only don’t I want to be anxious or stressed I also don’t want to feel sick or get a headache as that makes everything even worse.
– So I kind of split things into 3, the car there to the airport, the airport and flight and the car to the villa/hotel
– Although I like to try and relax and not do too much to try and control my stress and anxiety, it’s also dangerous for me to do too little as that’s when negative thoughts come in and make things worse so it’s just so difficult to know what best to do to make things easier.
– The car journey is spent trying to keep myself calm and relaxed as I worry about being sick in the car from anxiety
– When I get to the airport my anxiety is heightened and it’s almost overwhelming with a lot of things going on especially if it’s busy, I’m just hoping not only that things got smoothly with check in and luggage so I can keep myself calm
– The next anxious moment is the security check, most people won’t even think of this but I take some juice around with me a lot as it’s a way of getting the sickness taste out my mouth to hopefully prevent or delay sickness. When going through security you aren’t allowed to take liquids and standing in the queue waiting with nothing to drink and nowhere to be sick if I panic it’s a nightmare, I just try and get something as quickly as possible once I’m through security. You can’t jump the queue or explain the situation, you just have to queue and try and stay calm.
– Once through security it’s then a wait until you can board the plane which I don’t like, I’d love to just get straight on and away, it would help my anxiety a lot. I’d be waiting again with my own thoughts, and while waiting things can quickly get worse and headaches start.
– I also hope the plane isn’t delayed as that just amplifies the point above.
– Once one the plane things tend to calm slightly as we’re on the plane and it’s mainly all go from there.
– It is however again a few hours on a plane, with my own thoughts and trying to keep myself calm
– I just hope I don’t start to get a tension headache before I get on the taxi to go from the airport to hotel as my panic and stress will go up which won’t help me or the situation
– Once landed my anxiety goes up again as there’s alot of sorting things out with luggage and passport control but once that’s done I know it’s pretty much done and it’s just a taxi to the hotel/villa (we’ve done transfers and I had a bad experience so I’d rather pay more for a taxi).
– Once at the hotel I just hope the checkin process is quick, easy and smooth and nothing is wrong so I can just try and relax.
I do feel more anxious then usual now we have Sophia, I don’t want her to see me getting really stressed or anxious or having a panic attack so I feel it would make it harder to control and more chance of me getting a bad headache and sooner.
Why talk about this now?
We’ve been offered the chance to stay in a villa with my parents next year and we’ve decided to go for it.
As you can tell it’s a massive thing for me and I’m already extremely anxious about it, so much so I’m seeking help and advice from different people and mental health charities to give me the best chance of succeeding.
If I’m really not good Tracy is happy to go without me and take Sophia but that’s worst case (I’ve bought my flight no matter what).
This eases the pressure slightly but if I go I worry how I’ll be and what Sophia will see if me.
If I don’t go I’ll hate myself, I’ll worry about Sophia and me not being there for her and especially if she asks for me, I’ll feel I’ve let Tracy down and I’m not there to help and support her with Sophia and it’ll be the longest time away from both Tracy and Sophia.
I feel like I’m in a much better place with my anxiety since I found out I had it but this is such a big thing for me and it’s made bigger with Sophia as I don’t want to have a panic attack it from of her, be a mess, not be able to help and support Tracy, I’d feel more of a hindrance than help if a stress and panic.
But I will do as much as I can to give me the best opportunity of going.
If only I could win the lottery and get a private plane there, it would definitely remove alot of the stresses and anxiety triggers.
TotalMTB for me is a great organisation that helps give back to the mountain biking community. Helps bring awareness to something that most people can’t see within a friend or family member. Mental health is something to be mindful about. Health mind, health life.Blake Samson
Mountain biking is vital to my mental health, and I think it's rad how TotalMTB is spreading their message and building a community around this topic. It doesn't matter who you are, everyone is going through something and knowing you're understood and supported goes a long way.Mark Matthews
It gives me great pleasure to support the TotalMTB community. These guys do so much in the global cycling community to help people that need it most in an area most people struggle to talk about. I'll always be backing TotalMTB and anyone who stands alongside them.Ben Moore
