We haven’t been on a holiday abroad for around 10 years and Sophia has never been abroad.

The travel duration when flying is a massive trigger for me, knowing it’s such a long time from leaving the house to getting to the villa and so many different parts of the journey.

The longest I’ve been on a plane to date is 3 hours and this was 4 hours. As well as the travelling, I was also worried about the heat, it’s possibly the hottest country I’ve been to. One of my big fears is having a headache while it’s hot because it’s a lot more difficult to get rid of.

I’m more likely to get a headache while worrying about the heat so it’s an awful cycle to be in.

The last and probably biggest fear was being a ‘mess’ while travelling and being more of a hindrance than help for Tracy. It’s not something I wanted Sophia to see especially as I wanted her to be as calm as possible for her first flight.

I knew that if I hadn’t already been struggling then being on the plane just sat for 4 hours with my thoughts we’ve been very difficult. Then while on holiday, if I didn’t feel good I didn’t want to do something or go somewhere, I didn’t want Sophia to not want to do it which sometimes she does if I’m there.

I’d then know and be stressing about the journey home and again worrying about being ill or having a headache for the journey home. One thing I hate even thinking about is travelling while unwell, I just want to be in a private, quiet and safe space to be ill rather than on the move and in public.

All the triggers and fears together were just too much, I wouldn’t have been able to relax, enjoy myself and it wouldn’t have been nice for everyone else.

After I’d made my decision at the beginning of the week, I still started to get stress headaches and became very anxious about Friday and I wasn’t even going.

Tracy and Sophia got to the villa safely and they both did brilliantly which is a massive relief for me. I’m so happy and proud of them both.

I’m very frustrated and gutted that I’m not there with them but I know I made the right decision and if I relived this week I’d still make the same decision.

This year has been on the whole very positive for me and I’ve thrown myself into all opportunities, events, and occasions including two massive tests (my brother’s wedding and looking after Sophia for two days) but this one was a little too much and I know in myself what I can and can’t do. I know I’m definitely improving and very soon I hope going abroad is going to be achievable.

But as people know I’ll always share both the positives and negatives of my anxiety journey so others can see there is ups and downs and people can relate and know it’s normal to have downs, they aren’t alone.

After talking to Sophia and Tracy every day while they’re away it’s made it clearer to me that I made the right decision in not going, that doing so much and having such a good time but I wouldn’t have been able to do that.

And not only would I not have wanted to bring the spirits down but I wouldn’t have wanted to affect Sophia by not going to something if I didn’t feel right.

Sophia knowing I’m not there at all means she isn’t sad that I’m not going to the shop or the beach or the water park and she’s not asking to go back to the villa, this way she can 100% go and enjoy herself.

I had a headache all Friday and Saturday from the stress and build-up to Friday and had a tension headache all Tuesday. I know if I’d have had these headaches and tension headaches especially in Crete, I would’ve really struggled.

I sometimes struggle to keep myself calm when I get tension headaches at home in my safe space with a cool and darkened room, so feeling like that in Crete and with the anxiety building on the travel home I’d hate to think how I’d feel.

I get very panicky and have negative thoughts on days when I have a tension headache.

I know I’d already have been very anxious for the journey home and that’s without knowing that the plane was going to be quite delayed, and then once back in the country they had to wait for their luggage for a while and all that extra and unplanned waiting would really have affected me.

Just thinking about it while they were on their way home made me feel anxious and sick.

I have so much respect and admiration for Tracy not only travelling on her own but with Sophia as well.










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